“I wonder if your Gluteus Maximus can be pierced.”

— Our 8-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Why chihuahuas don’t run in the snow…

Why chihuahuas don't run on the snow?

youtu.be

#YOUREWELCOME #humor

Sometimes your body exceeds its design specification. And not in a good way.

#humor #science

What to name the calendar event for a litter box cleaning reminder? I know: excavate excrement! Pretentious and alliterative.

#pedantry #humor

My wife took my daughter to Party City for birthday party paraphernalia, which made me think: who's the comptroller of Party City?

#family #pedantry #humor

Alarm Clock Pro: The premiere mobile app for professional or expert sleepers.

#pedantry #tech #humor

“Daddy I wish that people with no butt had a butt spray to use every day and they put on their pants and have a butt and it doesn't stain!”

— Our 8-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

How does an oral surgeon perform actual surgery with their mouth?

#pedantry #humor

How I woke up today: Our 7-year old kissing me on the cheek and saying, “Good morning, hoagie pits” and running out of the room.

#family #humor #chloe

“What do you think you are, a blueberry pancake? You silly cat.”

— My wife talking in her sleep

#family #humor #wife

“Daddy watch my bed. It likes to go running off.”

— Our 7-year-old (going to brush before bed)

#family #humor #chloe

I told the cashier at Dairy Queen that I always get a black and white cone because I'm color blind.

#pedantry #humor

“Taco cat” spelled backwards is “Taco cat”. #YOUREWELCOME.

#pedantry #humor

Most people don't really know what “agnostic” means, yet they use it as an adjective for everything. I think they're “agnostic-agnostic”.

#pedantry #humor

Why do drive-up ATMs have Braille on the keypad keys.

#pedantry #humor

Chloe: “Daddy, what's 7 + 5?”

Me: “A math problem.”

Chloe: “What does it EQUAL?”

Me: “Do the math.”

Chloe: “I don't feel like it.”

#family #humor #chloe

Fun Fact: Dihydrogen Monoxide is a major component of acid rain, and great for removing soil from clothing.

#pedantry #humor

My Wife: “Chloe, come up to get a shower.”

Chloe: “I can't. I'm showering daddy with luxury.”

#family #humor #chloe

Woman in front of me hands clerk a fifty. “Do you have anything smaller?” I so wanted to say “Our paper currency only comes in one size.”

#pedantry #humor

Our 7-year-old: “I like tulips.”

Me: “I like 3 lips.”

Our 7-year-old: “ugh. I just got Michaeled didn't I?”

#family #humor #chloe

When my cat meows for me to come out of the bathroom, I yell that I'm “using the litter box” like she'll understand that better.

#cats #humor

#Apple is basically selling replacement #Windows.

#humor

“Daddy, when I wake up in the morning my breath smells like a butt's butt.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Roku adds “Streaming Stick” to its device lineup. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

#tech #pedantry #humor

“Daddy, your head is the shape of Mount Baldy.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe