My daughter asked me if I knew what mothballs smelled like. I told her I’ve never been close enough to a moth to find out.

#chloe #humor

My teenager loves to tell me how she works around the parental controls I’ve set up on our home network and mobile devices. I should be pissed but I’m weirdly proud.

#family #tech #humor #chloe

#Chloe spent like an hour making this. FINALLY having kids is paying off!

#family

The making of a free-range Nerd Airbender.

#family #chloe

“Dad, if a bra is called an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, why aren’t men’s underwear called an under-the-butt-nut-hut?”

— Our 12-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“The only stencil in art is your mind.”

— Our 9-year-old

#family #wisdom #chloe

Our 8-year-old pulls rice out of her sleeve at Chipotle and declares “I’m full of grains.”

#family #humor #chloe

“I wonder if your Gluteus Maximus can be pierced.”

— Our 8-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy I wish that people with no butt had a butt spray to use every day and they put on their pants and have a butt and it doesn't stain!”

— Our 8-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

How I woke up today: Our 7-year old kissing me on the cheek and saying, “Good morning, hoagie pits” and running out of the room.

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy watch my bed. It likes to go running off.”

— Our 7-year-old (going to brush before bed)

#family #humor #chloe

Chloe: “Daddy, what's 7 + 5?”

Me: “A math problem.”

Chloe: “What does it EQUAL?”

Me: “Do the math.”

Chloe: “I don't feel like it.”

#family #humor #chloe

My Wife: “Chloe, come up to get a shower.”

Chloe: “I can't. I'm showering daddy with luxury.”

#family #humor #chloe

Our 7-year-old: “I like tulips.”

Me: “I like 3 lips.”

Our 7-year-old: “ugh. I just got Michaeled didn't I?”

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy, when I wake up in the morning my breath smells like a butt's butt.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy, your head is the shape of Mount Baldy.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy, while you make that sandwich, let's play a game. I'll ask you if something is legal or not legal.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

My 7yo says inanimate objects inherit the gender of their owners. By extension, they can get married. Even children understand equal rights.

#family #philosophy #chloe

“Daddy, you're the wind beneath my chicken wings.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

There's nothing quite like the feeling you get when your 7-year-old is crying for joy because you got picked to chaperone her class trip.

#family #chloe

Us: “Chloe, we missed you today! You were gone all day on your first day of first grade!”

Chloe: “You’ll get used to it.”

#family #humor #chloe

“If I give you $20 can I have a crush?”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“I can put it in. I’m old enough to screw.”

— Our 6-year-old

(petitioning me to let her install a battery into a clock radio.)

#family #humor #chloe

Overheard: “No, Chloe, it’s the PEANUT Gallery, not the PENIS Gallery.”

#family #humor #chloe

“Our feet are holding hands.”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe