I am not a hipster. I am merely enstubbled.

#pedantry #humor

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Bullshit. You never listen to U2.”

“Ugh.”

#family #humor #wife

Sweet Jesus! It's precipitating unflavored Slurpee!

#science #humor

Nahtzee

#sadtoys #humor

Inhumane Mousetrap

#sadtoys #humor

No Candy Land

#sadtoys #humor

Rock 'em Sock 'em Orphans

#sadtoys #humor

P.T.S.D. Joe

#sadtoys #humor

Rickety Ann

#sadtoys #humor

At Thanksgiving I prefer to bake stuffing in a dish because it's a pain in the butt to get the turkey to eat all that stuffing.

#food #humor

Why the hell does my #wife's shopping list include “cat glitter”?

#family #humor

That's great, but how do we get to the sun?

Ford to debut solar car at Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas

cnnmon.ie

#pedantry #humor

“Daddy, while you make that sandwich, let's play a game. I'll ask you if something is legal or not legal.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Daughter's boyfriend's car broke down in front of our house. He left and now the horn is going off. Welcome to parenthood.

#family #humor

“Daddy, you're the wind beneath my chicken wings.”

— Our 7-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Woman killed in cougar attack” Maybe she should have dated men her own age.

#pedantry #humor

I find it troubling that one of the largest dinosaurs to ever walk the earth is named Argentinosaurus.

#science #humor

Fall is here, along with pumpkin and spice grades of gasoline.

#humor

National Geographic photographer Jim Richardson endorses #iPhone camera. I expect #Samsung will now get a Playboy photographer endorsement.

#tech #humor

Trying to understand why Lady Gaga wanted to be “free to express herself” with her new album when she's already worn a gown made of meat.

#music #humor

Us: “Chloe, we missed you today! You were gone all day on your first day of first grade!”

Chloe: “You’ll get used to it.”

#family #humor #chloe

I'm a better inadvertent gardener than a deliberate one.

#family #humor

Me: “Why aren’t one-piece bikinis called unikinis?”

Wife: “They’re named after a place.”

#JokeRuined #family #humor #wife

My wife saw a shooting star and the first thing I thought was “Am I the only one without a gun?”

#pedantry #humor

A great part of parenting children 7 and younger: you can tell them to act their shoe size and not their age.

#family #humor