According to our 5-year-old my name is “mommyimeandaddy”.

#family #humor #chloe

Told our 5-year-old doctor that I had problems hearing after she screamed in my ear to wake me. She told me I had ear laryngitis.

#family #humor #chloe

I wonder if the toilets in Star Trek just transport the pee and poo right out of you. And if so, to which location are they transported?

#pedantry #StarTrek #humor

“My middle name is group hug.”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

We do have socialized medicine… at the airport. Free full-body x-ray, breast exams, and if you behave properly, a free colonoscopy.

#TSA #humor

My 5 year old lost her first tooth today. I really need to stop punching her in the face when she doesn't finish her vegetables.

#family #humor #DadJoke

“That sound can only mean one thing: that's my dad.”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Queen #Chloe on her throne. You may approach with your gifts.

#family #humor

Just sitting around, watching TV.

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy, while you drive home, I'll admire my crown.”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Daddy you know where everything is, like Easter Island and the store. What kind of undergarments am I wearing?”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Why do super heroes wear tight pants? And why do rock stars wear tight pants too?”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

You know you have a small ass when you overhear your doctor refer to it as “the patient's gluteus minimus”.

#family #humor

“Daddy, are you a tightwad?”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

I just found out the hard way that muppets vomit cereal.

#tv #humor

Note to self: never confuse a “penal colony” with a “penile colony”.

#pedantry #humor

“I don't like it! It's stupid! It's a goner!”

— Our 5-year-old (regarding medicine)

#family #humor #chloe

I just found out that “homophobia” is not a condition whereby a person is afraid to be at home. Regretting many years of misusing the word.

#pedantry #humor

“I'm afraid that if I lose my tooth I'll look stupid. I'll look like a jerk with a big grown up tooth.”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Freudian slip?

#politics #humor

One of our cats likes to lick my bowls after I've eaten. What? I said “bowls”.

#cats #humor

“My favorite wedgy is gone! My old friend the wedgy is gone!”

— Our 5-year-old

#family #humor #Chloe

Do all proctologists graduate at the bottom of their class?

#pedantry #humor

Our 6-year-old: “Daddy I love you more than ice cream.”

Made my heart melt.

Our 6-year-old: “I love you more than bee stings. Get it? I don't even like bee stings!”

Bam.

#family #humor #chloe

This ad really IS brilliant. Took me a couple views to get it.

smart thief caught on cam

youtu.be

#humor