I'm a better inadvertent gardener than a deliberate one.

#family #humor

Me: “Why aren’t one-piece bikinis called unikinis?”

Wife: “They’re named after a place.”

#JokeRuined #family #humor #wife

Face it, cable companies: you will be nothing more than ISPs. And that’s okay.

#tech #prediction

My wife saw a shooting star and the first thing I thought was “Am I the only one without a gun?”

#pedantry #humor

A great part of parenting children 7 and younger: you can tell them to act their shoe size and not their age.

#family #humor

Locking yourself out of the house is the best way to find out that you were never meant to be a burglar.

#family #humor

My undercover video from deep within the bowels of an energy drink testing facility…

moby.to

moby.to

#family #humor

“If I give you $20 can I have a crush?”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“I can put it in. I’m old enough to screw.”

— Our 6-year-old

(petitioning me to let her install a battery into a clock radio.)

#family #humor #chloe

Overheard: “No, Chloe, it’s the PEANUT Gallery, not the PENIS Gallery.”

#family #humor #chloe

“UN Team investigating chemical weapons in Syria arrives in Turkey.” They must have used #Apple Maps.

#tech #humor

“Our feet are holding hands.”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Product idea: “Silly Catheter”.

#humor

“Can you find me a potion to turn me into a princess?”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Estée Lauder and Calvin Klein have great makeup sex.

#pedantry #humor

“Mom, a fish used a whoopy cushion under water. How’s that possible? You can’t put a whoopy cushion full of air under water!”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“Know why I like the elderly? Because they’re full of wisdom and experience.”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

“I have to work on my evil laugh. It’s getting a little rusty.”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

Unisom: “Sleep like nature intended.” = sleep on manufactured bedding materials while on chemical depressants.

#humor

Is there such a thing as ground penetrating gaydar?

#humor

My daughter used concealer on her face but I could still totally see her face.

#pedantry #family #humor #DadJoke

First awakened by cat licking my armpit. Then awakened by different cat jumping and landing on my groin. Funny thing is I don’t own cats.

#family #cats #humor

Contrary to popular feminist opinion, the problem with government isn’t “too much penis”, it’s “too much asshole”. Wrong body part.

#politics #humor

#Chloe asked me to recapitate two of her princess dolls. I have to do this every other day. My house is the opposite of revolutionary France.

#family #humor

“I'm feeling a bit peckish”

— Our 6-year-old

#family #humor #chloe