Everyone is so concerned with the Kurds but no one is talking about the whey.

#politics #humor

I also just realized that “Lindsey Graham” is not a shitty cookie.

#politics #humor

I just realized that “Lindsey Graham” is not a type of unwelcome correspondence.

#politics #humor

Regarding Medicare For All, if you “love your health insurance” you need to use it to go to the doctor and get treated for Stockholm Syndrome.

#politics #humor

Cats lick themselves because cats are delicious.

#cats #humor

When #Apple #iOS autocorrect changes “assume” to “ass you me both” it reminds me that I am so not worried about a robot apocalypse.

#humor #pedantry

Does anyone else think it’s weird that a veterinarian can save a cow’s life and then eat a steak for dinner?

#humor #opinion

I just found out that the VA in China is called the Vachina.

#humor

Holy shit. Video games really ARE the cause of all this violence!

#hitler #xbox #humor

I just read a tech article with only one period. Every other sentence ended with an exclamation point. Now I hate enthusiasm. Thanks Internet.

#pedantry #tech #humor

It’s weird that vegetarians like their vegetables combined and pressed into a patty that looks and tastes like meat. It’s like a food version of Brokeback Mountain. “Meat: I just can’t quit you.”

#humor

I wonder if there’s an alternate universe where carnitarians eat their meats combined and formed into tiny shapes that look and taste like vegetables.

#humor

According to this billboard the wedding of my dreams involves a #Windows Vista device activation dialog.

#humor

Surprisingly the chairs at The Melting Pot remain solid throughout the entire meal.

#humor

Watching a commercial for that digital exercise mirror and I realized that all it really has to do is show you a picture of someone good-looking.

#tech #opinion #humor

“Dad, if a bra is called an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, why aren’t men’s underwear called an under-the-butt-nut-hut?”

— Our 12-year-old

#family #humor #chloe

If you look closely that coffee cup on Game of Thrones was actually from Starkbucks.

#tv #humor

George R. R. Martin wrote: “Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”

To which I ask “what if you’re an asshole?”

#tv #humor

“Curiosity Stream” is when your urine isn't yellow.

#humor

I think that anti-vaxxers are really people who never got over their fear of needles.

#humor

Really disappointed that the movie Mary Queen of Scots didn’t have a post-credits scene.

#movies #humor

More proof that the general public has no idea what programmers do.

#pedantry #tech #humor

I’m totally rocking the quinquagenarian lifestyle.

#pedantry #humor

Last night I got charged by a growling raccoon. I’m married with kids. So I was ready.

#family #humor

Mike Pence looks like he’s either daydreaming of animal crackers or slowly masturbating.

#politics #humor