“Duvet” would be a good name for a cover band.

#humor

Toilet paper nipples.

#humor #meme #YOUREWELCOME

Picked up some light reading on vacation.

#humor

This season of Carpool Karaoke really sucks.

#humor #meme

All these commercials for Crepe Erase prove that Big Pancake must be stopped.

#humor

At Microsoft asses come in versions.

#developer #humor

Stereo is just mono e mono.

#humor

Me: the bottom of that Florida license plate says “In Goo We Trust”

Wife: it says “In God We Trust”

Me: they’re better off putting their trust in goo. It always comes through for me.

#humor

The term pro bono implies the existence of an amateur bono.

#humor #pedantry

This tomato has big dick energy.

#meme #humor

#meme #humor

For some reason my macOS terminal app #Warp refuses to quit. The menu option is disabled so I always have to force quit via Activity Monitor. And then it dawned on me: it must be too legit.

#humor #dadjokes #popmusic

NASA is preparing to launch a giant Jiffy Pop into orbit to replenish the dwindling kettle corn supply on the #ISS

#humor

Roman.com changed their name to ro.co and now it’s boners-r-us.com.

#humor

The juice has expired.

O.J. Simpson, legendary football player and actor brought down by his murder trial, dies at 76

apnews.com

#humor

Seeing the sun completely eclipsed by the clouds was a life-changing moment.

#humor

I’ve got news for you: that Long Island Medium is not a real medium. She’s a large.

#humor

Talking about someone behind their back makes no sense. Behind your back is in front of you. So they’ll totally know what you’re saying about them.

#humor

Minimalism is a scam created by Big Small to sell more less.

#humor

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

#humor

I can't tell you how many times the “Today In History” section of apnews.com has totally discombobulated me. It takes me at least an hour to recombobulate.

#humor

Maybe we can solve this Holy Water shortage by just having the Pope bless the ocean. Bonus: we’d also solve the problem with vampires attacking people at the beach.

#humor

What’s the name of that song about girls with fat bottoms that influence earth’s rotation?

#humor

What is your favorite song about someone who weaves dreams that can get people through a bad night?

#humor

Did you know that McDonald’s also sells laxatives?

#humor