I’ve been told that the best way to pick up a cat is to first buy it a drink.

#humor

More fun with text marketers.

#meme #humor

I challenge the position that leather made from the skin of vegans is ethically better than leather made from the skin of cows.

#humor #philosophy

I love when random scammers invite me to dinner.

#meme #humor

His favorite hobby is napping but it’s 3rd down and 1 at the 2 minute warning so now’s not really the time for exploring your fucking hobbies snuggles the fucktard.

#meme #humor

It’s funny to reflect on the fact that everyone in Minecraft poops cubes.

#humor

More fun with text marketers. Should I have offered them my text removal services?

#meme #humor

More fun with SMS spam…

#meme #humor

Technically speaking, my digestive system uses end-to-end encryption.

#humor

Blowing your nose should be called a nosejob.

#humor

According to YouTube the REAL story of Virtual Insanity is weirder than I thought. So it must involve more than one dumpster full of raccoons and pasta.

#humor

I live in a house full of people wearing noise cancelling headphones and apparently I’m the noise.

#humor

Always good to clarify things with your kids:

“You have kidneys. I have dadneys.”

#humor

Not to brag but on numerous occasions my wife has told me that she’s the luckiest woman in the world…

(since she doesn’t have bubonic plague)

#humor

What can you make with chicken blood and a pentagram? Asking for a friend.

#humor

If you put holy water into a humidifier does it turn the room into a gas chamber for vampires?

#humor #philosophy

Mando whole body deodorant is for pits, privates, and beyond. So what’s beyond privates?

#humor

It seems like Big Mentor owns the prime time ad slot. I’m not sure what to think about this. I need to ask my mentor.

#humor

A great name for a dog is Doglass, because you can call him Dog for short.

#humor

whereas (wair-ass) — noun — a human-ass hybrid transformation that occurs in rectalthropes when the moon is full (see rectalthropy).

#humor

A foreskin implies the existence of an aftskin.

#humor #pedantry

#meme #humor

Go ahead. Ask the question.

#humor #meme

Never shopping at this store.

#meme #humor

Now THIS is a Christmas I can get behind.

#humor #meme